It's no secret that I love books. I mean, I love books a LOT! I read a lot of books, and the older I get the more varied the genres become in my bedside book-stack. A while back, I read Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" and was deeply moved by her personal account of self-discovery. (If you haven't read it, I encourage you to do so.) Fast-forward about 5 years. I recently noticed that a family member was Instagramming lots of love for EG's newest book, "Big Magic." My curiosity was piqued, so I bought it (in hardback 'cause I couldn't wait!) and started reading right away. I should also mention that, as a normal rule, when reading, I use these... ..... to help me remember specific quotes/ideas/wittiness/wisdom within a book.Normally, I tend to use one (or maybe two) of each color (in an average "good book." After I've finished the book, I go back, find my colored tags, jot the quotes down in my quote journal (yes, I have one.... so? I like quotes, okay?), and then sometimes I actually go back and reread/re-digest those specific passages again with an even deeper perspective. Take a look at Big Magic's impression on me: It's been a long time since I've read a book with this much jump-off-the-page wisdom in it. I am SO into this book that I..... 1) texted both of my children at college and told them to drive to their nearest bookstore and purchase/read it immediately, 2) texted several other young adults I think the world of and made the same suggestion, 3) ordered a copy for the library where I work, and 4) plan to read the book again from cover to cover very soon myself! Yes, in my opinion, it's THAT good. Now, I know what you're thinking...."Oh, a self-help book? No thanks. I'm good." Yeah, I feel 'ya. I'm not big on a bunch of hoopla from folks who haven't walked in my shoes trying to tell me how I can better live my life either, but just hear me out. When I read this book, honest-to-goodness, it was like hanging out with Elizabeth Gilbert on my back porch sipping on a cup of coffee and listening to her conduct an adult-version of storytime. I was hanging on her every word! It's like she knew exactly what kind of internal struggle I've been dealing with and basically said, "Hey, Dot...it's time to kick things up a notch. Let me help you." Now, if you know me at all, you know I'm a Christian, and I value God's Will for my life more than any other source. Lately, I've asked Him on a daily basis to give me guidance on this particular subject, and I haven't gotten anything loud and clear until now. I really do believe that my stumbling upon this book wasn't sheer coincidence. Nope. I believe it was Divine Intervention. Here's the weird part, though. "Big Magic" is truly a wonderfully written pep talk for those creative souls out there that have been too afraid to take a leap of faith and simply DO what they've yearned to do instead of just dreaming about it. While I DID take some things away from that main theme, my main take-away from this book actually seems even deeper than that. See, the thing is, a couple of years ago, I took a big step in my creative journey and put my work out there for all to see. So, I feel like I've already (sort of) conquered that part of the process. Unfortunately though, somewhere along the path, I've lost my way, and I haven't been able to find those breadcrumbs I dropped along this journey in order to find my way back to my happy place. Confused? Of course you are! Let me try to explain myself a little better. I've collected a few "pretty versions" of some of her direct quotes from the book to share here. I'll jump in with my thoughts along the way, too. Take a look..... Over the years of my adult life, I have struggled with lots of demons that I have allowed rent-free residence in my head. In an effort to combat their messages and elevate my self-worth, I have tried lots of creative outlets: acting/theatre, cake baking/decorating, singing, jewelry-making, and yes, even photography. Most of these were not very successful endeavors because I was doing them for all the wrong reasons. I was 'creating' for the approval of others. When I use the word "successful", I'm not speaking in terms of monetary reward at all. I am referring to a sense of personal satisfaction.... a sense of self-pride.... a stirring of a passion I wasn't even aware was in me.... an awakening of my own soul's delight. I'm pretty sure I've found my "strange jewel". It's actually been there all along....way before jewelry-making and cake decorating. It's probably no surprise that it IS photography, but, believe it or not, I continue to struggle with the demons. Because I now know that fear is just a demon trying to extend his (or maybe it's a her) lease inside in my head. What if I don't measure up? What if my photos don't look as pretty/clear/vivid/muted/dreamy/blah,blah,blah as those other photographers around here? What if I'm not good enough at my craft to be chosen for the occasion? What if those other photographers see my work and think I'm copying their style. What if...? What if...? What IF....??? "Uncertain outcomes" make me nervous...REAL nervous. Unfortunately, I'm a control freak, and these mind-games can quickly spiral out of my control. I'm SO tired of worrying about what others think of me....of my craft....of how I live my life in general. It is absolutely mentally exhausting! Truth be told, it is highly unlikely that anyone really gives two hoots about me or my work at all. This is probably all in my head. See what I mean? Demons.... plain & simple, and those sanity zappers are definitely something to be dealt with. Do I want to be creative? Absolutely! Does looking through a tiny window and clicking a shutter bring me joy? You bet! However, oftentimes, I feel like I'm putting out my own creative fires simply by doing the thing I love so much for the wrong reasons. Reasons that simply don't feed my soul. Why AM I doing photoshoots for the public? Sure, a little extra money is nice. (If nothing else, it funds this pretty expensive creative outlet by way of more cool gear to learn about and play with!) However, when my calendar is packed to the max with "real work" (aka my Mon-Fri/9-5 gig) and "photography work" every weekend, there's no time for me to tap into my need for creativity. How do I fix this? Clearly some changes need to occur, and I think THIS is what my God is trying to tell me. But... (here comes fear again to do what he does best...) what if photo sessions are all I'm good for? What if I don't have anything original to bring to the creative table? Then what? Ah....yes...."authentic." I adore that word. I strive to BE that word. I don't want to be a copycat. Being a second-rate version of someone else doesn't appeal to me at all. I desperately want to be a first-rate version of ME! I want to be authentic in what I say... and do... and create. I just want to capture the world...big parts...small parts...and everything in between from MY perspective on my own journey through life. Really and truly. That's all I care about. If my work brings joy to others...great. If it doesn't touch another living soul but my own, that's okay as well. Before having this epiphany, I had discussed with my husband at great length the idea of just packing up all the photography gear and closing up shop. You see, my creative outlet has morphed into a soul-sucking monster that I no longer want to be attached to. "Big Magic" has helped me see things differently. Yes, things are definitely going to change in this coming year, but they don't have to stop completely. Lately, I've realized that, in addition to photography, I also really enjoy writing, and it's been made abundantly clear to me that I should mix the two and see what happens. In fact, this blog has been and will continue to be my practice field because as Elizabeth Gilbert says "...in the end, creativity is a gift to the creator, not just a gift to the audience." I'm ready to start unwrapping my gift. So, dear Reader, if you're still here, thanks for listening. I realize this was nothing like my normal book reviews at all. It took a personal turn real quick, but I don't apologize. I needed to say it, and maybe (just maybe) you needed to hear it. "Big Magic" IS an incredible book. My hope is that you'll read it yourself and experience a Divine Intervention specific to your own situation. Elizabeth Gilbert ends this book with this simple set of questions: "What would you do even if you knew you might very well fail? What do you love doing so much that the words 'failure' and 'success' essentially become irrevlevant?" I know what my "big magic" is....do you? Until next time,
~D
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AuthorHi! I'm Dot. I refuse to succumb to the "empty nest syndrome"! So, this is my journal.....my photo album.....my attempt to enjoy the next chapter of my life as it unfolds. Welcome to The Roomy Nest! Archives
January 2020
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