Other than the occasional "Monday Memory" and/or "Wednesday's Word," I've been MIA with this whole blogging thing lately. Here's why...... Writer's Block = an inability to write; "He had writer's block; the words wouldn't come" Yep. I definitely have it....writer's block. Well, actually, that's not true. I think it's more like "feeler's block" because I am most certainly in a funk these days. Due to said "funk," I really just don't know what to say. I try very hard to stay "positive"......"upbeat"......dare I say even "peppy" in these blog posts on The Roomy Nest, but the truth is that sometimes I just simply don't feel positive, upbeat, and most certainly NOT peppy! So, what's a blogger to do?? Is it okay to post <GASP!> negative thoughts/feelings for the world to see? I've decided the answer is..... yes. (Besides, let's face it, no one (besides my close family) is reading my blog anyway, so no real worries there.) Here's the deal.... plain and simple.....I'm tired. Sure, I'm tired physically. (What educator isn't on the last few days of the school year?) Beyond the physical, though, I am tired in other ways, too. Mainly, I am SO VERY tired of wearing the "life is peachy" mask. Upon reading this, anyone who knows me (or even THINKS they know me) would probably say, "What in the world has SHE got to be down and out about?! There are plenty of folks in the world......many right here in our little town......who have it MUCH harder than she does!" Believe me when I say, I have wrestled with LOTS of guilt over this very idea! Nonetheless, I'm just not in a good place right now. "And I always think of life like a giant wave. You know, it rises and it crests and it flies, and it's just magnificent, and then it crashes. And for a lot of people, when it crashes, that's the end, and they go down the deep, dark hole of depression." Now, let me be perfectly clear, I haven't "crashed" this time. I can say this with certainty because I HAVE crashed twice before in my life. I know what it feels like for me. Neither time was pretty, and both involved very intense therapy and a slow "digging out" process. I DO believe, though, that there are various levels of depression, and I have been living at one level or another for the majority of my life. This time, I'm just......well.....sad. Really sad. I cry.....a lot. Weird, I know, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what triggered it this time, but I also can't seem to shake it. I am honestly starting to think there may be some genetics involved here. It stinks. A lot. So, what's the deal? Is this the proverbial "mid-life crisis" everyone talks about? Maybe. After all, I'm 46 years old. When you double that number, you get 92. I'll be extremely lucky to make it to that age, but, hey, other women in my family have done it (and actually lived a few years beyond that!) So, sure, I'm definitely at my "mid-life" point. However, I have no desire to trade in my VW for a snazzy convertible. I'm not looking to ditch my husband for someone else. I'm not even interested in changing my hairstyle. As I try to think through this mess, I DO know that I'm disappointed with myself in several different areas of my life. So, maybe that's it. This summer break, I hope to find some inner peace by facing these personal issues head-on and dealing with them. As crazy as this may sound, lately, I feel kind of "numb." Many days I feel as if I'm watching my life happen outside of myself. I'm present.....but then again, I'm not. It's a very lonely and confusing place to be. In addition, I am plenty disappointed with other people......... in their words as well as in their actions.......... and the older I get, the more I find that I simply cannot nor will not tolerate self-absorbed hypocrites. I live in a very small town. For the most part, everyone knows everyone else....and their business. I made a decision recently that has been quite liberating. If a person is my "friend" on Facebook or other social media (maybe even liking my post here, commenting on my picture there) yet cannot acknowledge me in public then I remove them from my cyber-life as well. It feels good to unload the dead weight. It feels REAL good, and I find I'm deleting a few more every single day lately. I'm also done with people who say one thing, yet do not follow through. For many of them, I believe they never truly intended to do what they said in the first place, so why even put it out there for me to plan for?! I'm not a fan of lip service! Please keep you word! It's just that simple! Sadly, these ideas apply to extended family that do not live in my small town as much as they do with local people in general. I'm also growing VERY tired of trying so hard to please and yet seldom being acknowledged or appreciated for what I do (and that's across the board in my life as well.......family, friends, workplace.....) It makes me really start to wonder "why bother?" which is NOT my usual selfless tendency at all! I'm currently reading a book entitled The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. It's all about this woman's one-year quest to find the true secret to happiness. I find a lot of the book a bit on the hokey side. Some of her suggestions just make this ol' girl want to roll her eyes. I mean, come on...."sing in the morning"........."find time to be silly"......"read memoirs of catastrophe"....?? I get it. Once again, I just need to "smile and be happy" because a lot of people (presently as well as throughout history) have had a much harder life than me. Wish it was that easy. I'm pretty sure if all it took was for me to sing a tune and flash my pearly whites to have inner happiness I would have already done it by now. The book DOES have some suggestions worth considering. "Enjoy now," "Forget about results," "Stimulate the mind in new ways," "Find an area of refuge".......... All very good suggestions. In addition, I have been a praying woman for as long as I can remember. I have long talks with my God quite often. Lately, I find myself digging deeper into my prayer life......really asking Him for his Divine Guidance, but the fact remains.........for now, I'm struggling. "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." ~M. Scott Peck Bottom line, I am struggling to find my PURPOSE. If you read back through my blog posts over the last year, you'll understand that this is why I started this blog to begin with. After our nest got "roomy" last summer and I did some soul-searching, I thought I was beginning to have that new purpose figured out, but turns out I might have been mistaken. Time will tell, I guess. If you pray, I ask that you include me in your prayers, asking our God to restore joy and peace to my heart. I desperately want Him to show me what my purpose is in this next chapter of my life. In the meantime, I'm going to try my best to just let the world think "I'm fine." That's all anyone really wants to hear anyway. Right? Keep this in mind, though. Just because a person says they are fine doesn't make it so.
Until next time, ~Dot
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"We don't stop going to school when we graduate." This picture was taken on June 10, 1990 right after my graduation ceremony from Mercer University in Macon, GA (Go Bears!) . I had just earned a B.A. in Early Childhood Education, was getting married in a little over a month, and thought I had my life all figured out....at the ripe old age of 22 years old. Wow! Carol Burnett sure knew what she was talking about in the quote above. The graduate in that picture still had LOTS to learn about life! Twenty-four years later, I am STILL "going to school" every single day.......figuratively & literally. I've earned two more degrees since this picture: a M.Ed. & Ed.S. both from UGA (Go Dawgs!!) and I have just completed my 24th year working in the field of education, so that's the literal part. However, figuratively, I also continue to be "schooled" every single day in this thing called life. Lesson after lesson after lesson has been learned in my roles as a Christian, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, an employee....well, you get the idea. Some of these lessons were easy while others have been VERY difficult! So, during this "graduate season," I think it's very fitting and timely to be reminded that we don't ever truly stop learning, nor should we want to! As life goes on, we begin to realize that it's one big spiral and connections are often made from past.....to present....to future. In fact, one day you may be uploading recent pictures from your camera and realize that old things become new again! In the picture above, I am the 22 year old college grad and my parents are 46 and 48. In the picture below, our college grad is 22....and my husband and I are both 46 (He's on his way to 47, but we'll let that part slide for now.) :) So, at the risk of sounding like a movie trailer for a Lion King sequel, it truly IS a circle of life! I haven't stopped learning yet, and I feel certain that our daughter will experience this same epiphany one day herself........in fact, she may have already figured it out! Until next time,
~Dot |
AuthorHi! I'm Dot. I refuse to succumb to the "empty nest syndrome"! So, this is my journal.....my photo album.....my attempt to enjoy the next chapter of my life as it unfolds. Welcome to The Roomy Nest! Archives
January 2020
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